i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize