One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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