why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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