woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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