i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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