New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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