my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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