the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
