I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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