I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
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Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
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how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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