I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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