So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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