I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
