She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
