I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
