Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
