can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
