At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
