So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
