Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
