mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize