i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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