Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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