"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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