mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
