im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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