I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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