I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I love you.
Bad choice
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