cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
