that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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