I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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