I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
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