Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk