Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
