So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
