i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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