...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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