Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she peed on how many people?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
