i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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