come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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