I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
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Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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