dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
