D3 body, D1 cock
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
