He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
