Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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