Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
