It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
