i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
