I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
