Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
