I looked at my own cervix.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
