so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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