Swine flu. Run for my life!
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
