Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
