There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
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